I’ve been thinking long and hard about what to purchase my mom for Mother’s Day. My first instinct was to get her a new perfume; I’m worried that her current perfume, a gift from my grandmother, resembles mothballs a little too closely. Therefore, I drove to the mall yesterday where Macy’s seemed to be expecting my arrival. Even as I cautiously tiptoed into the side door, there was already a gauntlet of women waiting to spray me down.

I tried to exclaim, “I’m alright, just browsing!!” But I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth before they attacked me like rabid wolves. Squirt, squirt, squirt. The first two employees strategically took both my eyes out with Chanel and Pierre Cardin respectively. The following blasts could have been Mace for all I knew, but when I came to my wallet had been usurped and purged. I barely made it past the handbags!!

Damn … I was out of money already, and I didn’t even like any of the perfumes they laced me with. Now I’m scared about Father’s Day when I go to the hardware store to pick up a new axe for him. Luckily, the hoard of Vikings hadn’t stolen my Capital One card, and I continued into the rest of the mall. My first instinctive gift was out the window so I would have to window shop until something caught my eye. I’m colour blind, however, so this method only brought me to a sequined cell phone case at the Cingular kiosk. I tried to purchase this, but the poor woman wouldn’t get near me or my pungent array of wounds.

The only store that would even let me in was the Discovery Channel Store; all the nerdy people who work there sort of masked my stench. I forgot Mom for a bit because I was trying to figure out how the remote-controlled hovercraft worked, and then I saw the perfect gift … a Rock Tumbler!! I grabbed the last one off the floor, and was back in my car within two minutes.

I think my mom will be really happy with a Rock Tumbler; I hope she is able to work it, though, because the box says ‘ages 8-13’. Fortunately the package comes complete. I didn’t have to buy rocks, pipe cleaners, or anything. My plan is cook her Pop-Tarts in bed, and give her the tumbler so she can play with it for the rest of the day.

In other news, Zivic bought some new sheepskin seat covers for his car. Any ladies interested should leave their numbers in the Home Economics for Big & Tall Men thread of the Communiteighl.