Gillete to Release Nuclear Razor

BOSTON — According to a Gillete insider, the company is planning to release a new razor technology that will undoubtedly change the scope of shaving forever. The spokesperson, who chose to remain anonymous to avoid castration, explained to Keighl.com in a top-secret interview that Gillete has been developing this technology since 1984.

“The razor initiative began as ‘Project CompletoShave’ two decades ago,” he (or she?) stated, “with a crack team of mad scientists. But they made only limited progress up until January of this year when nuclear-reactor materials became mildly affordable on the international market.”

Gillete’s new product, which cannot be truly considered a razor, goes above and beyond the recent competition between Schick and itself. The corporations have been waging a hygiene arms-race, adding one blade at a time, but reached a weaponry standstill at roughly five blades. However, Gillete will likely enjoy the upper hand beginning Wednesday night at their product release held ostentatiously at Lincoln Center in New York City.

“I won’t lie. This technology is highly volatile, and has been linked to facial cancers,” our source reiterated.

The CompletoShave is a hand held spherical device that contains enough uranium to fire multiple nuclear-fission reactions directed at the face. Such potent radioactivity effectively removes not only the hair follicles, but also destroys underlying nerve cells to make the process completely painless.

Sales representatives at Schick claim that their company is developing an answer to Gillete’s nuclear power shaving system. Instead of utilizing tumor-inducing fission, Schick’s product grinds away nerve cells in face face with interstellar dust. Also, Schick’s spherical instrument is rumored to be green; Gillete’s is painted black.

While some experts speculate the new product will result in massive casualties, and perhaps even nuclear war, they also stress the importance of economic stimulation.