I think that those without graduate degrees in business, like myself, are often entirely lost as to the jargon of the business world. So much of what we hear makes little sense, and sails quietly in one ear and out the other. I equate my understanding of business to when an infant discovers that the reflection in a mirror has stolen the toy that was just in his hand.

So, I would like to expound upon a most frequent term used in the business world: private equity. It is an phrase that carefully straddles the line between abmiguity and fast setting concrete; what the hell is equity anyway?

To help unravel the mystery of business rhetoric, here is my comprehension of private equity. It is a kind of company that contributes absolutely nothing beyond increased social tension in America. They dine on the plight others like vultures hovering over an abandoned turkey farm. Basically, the term private equity gives a corporate facade to a tiny faction of super rich and powerful who simply force people to sell their companies to them. Actually, they don’t really do anything; private equity people just own other people. 

And that is the extent of the company. Imagine a business that makes, for example, root beer. If the root beer company refuses to sell itself to a private equity firm … the private equity firm easily stomps them off the face of the Earth … or sets fire to the brewery. In other parts of the world, this is known as tyranny, but here they call it a “leveraged buyout.”

And people still wonder why poverty increases? Well, look where all the money goes. It is siphoned off into the pockets of about 10 people!! 

Next. Private equity firms have a strange tendency to title themselves with names that are overly dramatic, yet completely irrelevant at the same time. For instance:

• The Blackstone Group
• The Carlyle Group
• Apollo
• Silver Lake Partners
• Providence