I’m not sure if people understand the extent to which raspberry truffles are significant in my life. In fact, it is safe to assume that am rendered useless to their powers; a big sucker to the truffles. My mother claims that my gravitation to them began before I could even speak!! Supposedly, we had a plumber over to repair the washing-machine; he saw me, waddling around in toddlerhood … and handed me a raspberry truffle from the inside of his pocket. And that was that.  I think I hide this dependence fairly well, but I would really like to exemplify its impact. 

Without further ado … here is my life on raspberry truffles (an abridged list):

• I love raspberry truffle flavored coffee. 
• I own a raspberry truffle themed bowling ball.
• I will typically run red-lights if raspberry truffles are involved.
• I once turned down a job offer as King of India because raspberries don’t grow in India. 
• I always blink in pictures because camera flashes taste like raspberry truffles when my eyes are closed.
• I fertilize my lawn with raspberry truffle wrappers in hope that the grass will flower … truffles. 
• I only go to gas stations that give you a free raspberry truffle with every $20 gasoline purchase.
• I have no mirrors in my house … only raspberry truffles. 
• I was once lured into a Taking Back Sunday concert by raspberry truffles on a long string. 
• I invented a pesticide and named it Raspberry Truffle … it kills aphids.
• I have a poster of Billy Ray Cyrus eating raspberry truffles in a field of corn. 
• I generally take vacations when raspberry-truffle-manufacturing-labor-unions go on strike. 
• I penned a novel in the style of Luis Borges where a man believes he is a raspberry truffle in reality … but he is stuck in the body of a movie-star most of the time.
• I bought a kitten and named it ‘Paul’ … but its nickname is ‘Raspberry Truffle.’

I was reading the newspaper yesterday morning, and came across a French phrase that apparently meant something in the context of the article. Having no clue what it implied, I found myself at a serious lack of savoire-faire.

Later on, as I turned onto my cul-de-sac, I realized that I don’t understand most of these French phrases ! They show up in newspapers, books, magazines … even political talk shows. Apparently, it is very chic to utilize these funny French words. But what’s the use if no one knows what the hell you’re talking about? How prêt-à-porter!

Since noticing my inferiority next to the French language, I seem to understand less and less. That evening I went for a rendez-vous with a good friend of mine. We sat down for an apéritif and crème de menthe. He brought his girlfriend with him; she donned a décolletage blouse.

“Keighl,” he questioned, “have you heard the news of a possible coup d’ét in Panama? The politics haven’t been so tense since the fin-de-siècle.”

I was baffled. What did he say? I decided to try my luck with French in response … just so I wouldn’t feel like such a nom de plume.

“Well … I mean … it’s no ménage à trois … but the situation has a certain je ne sais quoi that I find appealing.”

That statement earned me a blank stare from both my friend and the waiter who had come by to see if we cared for any hors d-oeuvres. It’s not like I’m speaking in double entendre! Why do we need to use this crazy French lingo when there are pefectly acceptable English words that work just fine? I think that America is relying far too much on French culture. Britain does also, but they’re practically French anyway … cheval-de-frise.

People need to understand that Frenchisms are not the haute couture of language. In fact, there shold be a law banning the use of French so Americans can understand things. I think I’ll hurl if I read one more bête noire!

I have a great idea for a business, or even a large scale corporation. I’m reluctant to share it, but I should have my bases covered by placing a copyright symbol right here: © by Keighl. A truly original idea is hard to come by these days; it seems to me that the wheel can’t be re-invented any more times. Therefore, it makes more sense to me to simply re-invent the way people look at the wheel. I’m done with metaphors now … I will explain the idea. 

There are tons of regulations for all kinds of products, right? Like, there’s a limit on how much lead you can use when building a toddler’s playpen. Similarly, there are also regulations that make sure people are aware of things about the product. For instance, a little tag on the playpen might read: This product contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer. 

Now … someone has to decide what these little labels say. More importantly, someone has to decide that things actually need labels.

Here is where my venture-capitalist scheme kicks in. This company would, in practice, develop regulations that require certain labels to be on things. Manufacturers cannot be too careful. Coffee cups have a label that says, “Careful! Contents are extremely hot!” However, I feel that the consumer will be even further protected with an additional label that says, “This is a cup.”

So, the corporation is really just an advocate for the consumer. However, we need to turn a profit. What good is a safety label is no one is required to use it? 

Easy. We’ll just lobby the SEC (Securities and Exchange Commission) to adopt our new safety measures. In order to be compliant, manufacturers need the labels. But they need to be official labels only available through … our company!! Brilliant!! Maybe our labels can utilize an ultra-thin semilectron frequency bypass adhesive juts to drive up the price. 

Here a few primitive concepts that I imagine could be viable: